English Jokes

Blonde Police Interview

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. “Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “what is 1 and 1?” “Eleven,” she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” “What two days of the week start with the letter T?” “Today and tomorrow.” He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. “Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?” The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don`t know.” “Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?” So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I`m already working on a murder case!”

Blonde in the Library

A blonde girl storms up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!” “Yes, ma’am?” “I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!” “What was wrong with it?” “It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!” The librarian nodded and said, “Ahh. So you’re the one who took our phone book.”

Blonde Mailbox

Blonde Girl Jokes A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, she went back into the house. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied,” There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

Clever Jury Shocked the Lawyer

A noted criminal defense lawyer was making the closing argument for his client accused of murder, a case in which the body of the victim had never been found.

Gift to a Judge

court jokes
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The  judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer’s favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponent’s business card with them.”

Funny Arguments of Couple

wife jokes
A husband and wife had been arguing all day.  They were walking and arguing along the way. Suddenly they passed a herd of jackasses.

Twenty Years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

Police Officer with Violations

police puns
An off-duty police officer, familiar with traffic speed checking devices, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit.

A Blonde on Horse

blonde jokes clean
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

A gynecologist engineer

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order.