English Jokes

why dying person wants to be lawyer

Lying in bed the 72-year-old man was seriously ill. Knowing that death would come soon the man called his lawyer. “I was thinking how you told me I could get a law degree if I had enough money to buy one. How much does it cost again?” “It’s $65,000,” replied the lawyer. “But you are dying! Why would you want to have a law degree now?” “That is none of your concern”, replied the dying man. “I want you to get me that law certification!” Within the week, the sick man had received his law degree. Of course, his lawyer quickly came to his side, to make sure the bill would be paid in full. Within moments the old man began having trouble breathing and was gasping for air. It was clear he would not live much longer. The lawyer was going nuts not knowing why this man would want a law degree and pay so much for it when he knew the end was near. “please, please can’t you tell me why you wanted this law degree so desperately before you died?” Barely able to speak and on his last dying breath, the old man said, “One less lawyer…”

Funny Soup

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?

Doctor’s Assistant

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.” “Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?” Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.” “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor. “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus. “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor. “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!” “Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor. “I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Doctor & The Woman

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

The Contractor

short government jokes
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

What a Track!

dumb blonde jokes
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said “Oh, look at the deer tracks. ”

Blonde’s Old Car

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar. The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.” “That doesn’t matter at all,”

Blonde Police Interview

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. “Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “what is 1 and 1?” “Eleven,” she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” “What two days of the week start with the letter T?” “Today and tomorrow.” He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. “Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?” The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don`t know.” “Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?” So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I`m already working on a murder case!”

Blonde in the Library

A blonde girl storms up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!” “Yes, ma’am?” “I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!” “What was wrong with it?” “It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!” The librarian nodded and said, “Ahh. So you’re the one who took our phone book.”

Blonde Mailbox

Blonde Girl Jokes A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, she went back into the house. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied,” There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”