Facebook: I know everyone
Google: I have everything
Internet: There is nothing without me
Lying in bed the 72-year-old man was seriously ill. Knowing that death would come soon the man called his lawyer.
“I was thinking how you told me I could get a law degree if I had enough money to buy one. How much does it cost again?”
“It’s $65,000,” replied the lawyer. “But you are dying! Why would you want to have a law degree now?”
“That is none of your concern”, replied the dying man. “I want you to get me that law certification!”
Within the week, the sick man had received his law degree. Of course, his lawyer quickly came to his side, to make sure the bill would be paid in full.
Within moments the old man began having trouble breathing and was gasping for air. It was clear he would not live much longer.
The lawyer was going nuts not knowing why this man would want a law degree and pay so much for it when he knew the end was near.
“please, please can’t you tell me why you wanted this law degree so desperately before you died?”
Barely able to speak and on his last dying breath, the old man said,
“One less lawyer…”
Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said “Oh, look at the deer tracks. ”