Funny Doctor Jokes

Doctor’s Assistant

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A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Doctor & The Woman

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A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

Which Tooth Is It?

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A lady and her husband needed to make an unexpected visit to the dentist while on vacation.

The lady told the dentist she didn’t want novacaine, that she wanted to be in and out of the dental office as soon as possible.

The dentist told her she was certainly brave and asked her which tooth is it?  She turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

Smart Architect and The Doctor

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Doctor Jokes.

An Architect was jobless for quite a while. He couldn’t discover work so he opened a medical facility and puts a sign outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”

One Doctor thinks this is a decent chance to procure $1,000 and goes to his center.

Specialist, “I have lost taste in my mouth.”

Architect, “Attendant, if it’s not too much trouble bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Specialist, “This is Gasoline!”

Architect, “Congrats! You have your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets irritated and returns following two or after three days to recoup his cash.

Specialist, “I have lost my memory, I can’t recall that anything.”

Architect, “Attendant, it would be ideal if you bring medication from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Specialist, “Yet that is Gasoline!”

Architect, “Congrats! You have your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves irately and returns following a few more days.

Specialist, “My vision has turned out to be powerless.”

Architect, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”

Specialist, “However this is $500… ”

Architect, “Congrats! You recovered your vision! That will be $500.”